Flea Selling Another House in the Malee-boo

SELLER: Michael Balzary, aka Flea
LOCATION: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $13,676,000
SIZE: 2,731 square feet (as per assessor), 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Out of this world celebrity retreat on an unbelievable 2 flat acres sited on the Encinal Bluffs. Staircase & private road beach access. Expansive rolling lawns, exceptionally unique architectural w/ soaring ceilings, open floor plan & walls of glass, gallery walls, tree trunk floors positioned as an indoor/outdoor natural setting. 2 large separate guest homes, long drive, 2 garages, private spa terrace. Unimaginable ocean & beach views from every angle.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in in the spring of 2006, Red Hot Chili Peppers bass player Michael Balzary, aka Flea, put his Malee-boo manse on the market with an asking price of $5,000,000. In March of 2007, when Your Mama discussed the Sycamore Meadows Drive domicile, the asking price had been sliced to $4,800,000 and several subsequent slashes brought the asking price down to $2,800,000. Then, we regret to inform, disaster struck. Although records indicate the property remains in Mister Flea's real estate portfolio, multiple reports state the house burned to the ground in the fires that raged through the mountains above Malee-boo in the fall of 2007 and, indeed, the property did (and does) appear on the official list of homes consumed by the colossal conflagration.

In January of 2007, just a few months before he listed his Sycamore Meadows Drive residence, property records and previous reports reveal that Mister Flea (and his supermodel baby momma Frankie Rayder) forked over $9,980,000 for a 2.01 acre ocean front estate on the Encinal Bluffs, which is up in the northern reaches of Malibu near where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's contemporary crib clings to the cliff. Now, just over two years later and after a giving the Pacific Coast Highway property a full and finely tuned face lift, Mister Flea has listed his low-key cliff top compound with an asking price of $13,676,000.

According to listing information, the property includes a main house and two separate guest houses, one of which appears to be currently used by Mister Flea for making music. Listing information shows there are 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms but to be honest children, we're not sure if those four bedrooms and bathrooms are all located in the main house or if they're spread throughout the property.

The front door of the main house opens to a narrow, wood beamed and sky lit hallway with gallery white walls and a dee-lishus wood floor made of end-up tree trunks that create a loose grid of light and dark that sort of resembles a varnished giraffe skin. The main living space, down a handful of steps down from the entrance hall, is comprised of an open plan living room, dining room and kitchen. There is a high sloped ceiling, a fireplace in the living room area, several large sections of windows that open to a narrow waterside terrace and more of that tree trunk wood floor. Now children that wood floor could easily be a decorating dee-zas-ter in the wrong hands and we fully realize some of y'all will think it's heinous, but Your Mama thinks the pattern makes a nice counter point to all white walls and white furniture.

The somewhat small but fully functional kitchen includes a long row of windows over the sink that look out towards the ocean, a nice feature when scrubbing pots and pans. There is a noticeable absence of over-head cabinetry which we imagine some of the children will gripe about also. However, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's new kitchen has no overhead cabinetry, just a simple shelf for daily dishes and glassware, and we love it. Fortunately there is a large pantry and heaps of under counter storage for all the food stuffs and kitchen ware that normally goes in overhead cabinets.

Anyhoo, in addition to the master suite with more of that dee-voon tree trunk flooring, high wood beamed ceiling, sky lit bathroom and view of the ocean, the main house includes three other family bedrooms, one of which appears to be a loft space that overlooks the living room area. This is all well and good for taking a nap, but not so good for over night guests. Then again, over night guests are likely put up in one of the two separate guest houses that dot the property. At the front of the compound, closest to the Pacific Coast Highway is the larger guest unit which as far as we can tell includes 2 bedrooms, a fireplace and (we assume) at least one terlit. The other guest unit is of undetermined size but we're certain includes sleeping quarters at the least and (presumably) a private pooper.

The property slopes gently from the gated entrance on the Pacific Coast Highway down towards the bluff. A large lawn area perfect for rousing games of Bocce, Croquet or horseshoes sits between the guest house and the main house and a wide lawn stretches from the rear of the main house to steep and perilous bluff. Off to one side is a circular deck with a built in spa and seating area which looks like the perfect spot to re-create a cocaine and blush wine fueled orgy from the 1970s. We're not saying Flea does that, we're just saying that if he wanted to, this would be a magnificent spot to do so. The grounds include several other outdoor patios and seating areas including a sunken and tree shaded outdoor living room and another with a built in bbq center.

Listing information indicates that in addition the the long private stair case that leads to the beach, there is also access by private road, which is a good damn thing because Your Mama would much prefer to have our totalitarian house gurl Svetlana pop down in a golf cart to pick up our sunburned butt than to huff and puff our way back up and risk a heart attack or fit of the asthma.

No word on why Mister Flea would want to sell this pretty piece of ocean front property. Quite frankly, if you like solitude and living along the rugged and dramatic California coastline, this seems like a keeper to Your Mama. Lord knows we'd live here in a heartbeat iffin we had 13 and some million smacker for a beach house, which of course we do not.

David Niven Jr. Lists Bird Street Nest

SELLER: David Niven Jr.
LOCATION: Blue Jay Way, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $5,750,000
SIZE: 4,808 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extraordinary architectural villa in estate section of the Sunset Strip. Fabulous family room / kitchen ideal for the gourmet chef. Dramatic living room opens to pool & rose garden w/ tree top views & amazing outdoor entertainment pool area. Features include: sky lights, high ceilings, crown molding, hardwood, terrazzo & tile flooring. Library, spacious master suite w/ dble bath & closets plus 5 bedrooms each w/ bath. Pure style sophistication & privacy.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Sometime over the long Memorial Day weekend, as we sat on the sofa hooked up to an IV drip dropping a steady stream of gin and tonic directly into Your Mama's veins while watching the opening rounds of the French Open, we received a covert communique from Our Fairy Godmother in the Sunset Strip who informed us that David Niven Jr. listed his house on Blue Jay Way with an impressively optimistic asking price of $5,750,000.

Mister Niven Junior's famous father is, as any moe-ron could figure out, the Oscar winning, pencil 'stached Tinseltown legend David Niven. Junior, who was born in England and whose name appears in the Peerage thanks to his mother's semi-royal bloodline, went on to produce a few films (The Girl with the Hungry Eyes, Psycho Cop Returns, Blue Flame), work as an entertainment executive and promote philanthropic causes such as Recording Artists, Actors & Athletes Against Drunk Driving.

Property records show that Mister Niven Jr. purchased his Bird Street nest in November of 1983 for $1,200,000, which was a lot of damn money for a house back in 1983. Records filed with the County of Los Angeles show the "L" shaped "villa" measures in at 4,808 square feet and listing information indicates there are 6 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms including a master suite with dual baths and dressing closets.

Located just above the Sunset Strip and all those celeb friendly outdoor eateries along Sunset Boo-lay-vard in the Sunset Plaza, the in need of an update residence will appeal to all those Ed Hardy wearing Hollywood "producer" sorts who spend a lot of time in tight black jeans and hanging out at the Sky Bar hoping to snag a too tan wannabe starlet with 5-inch Lucite heels, fake chee-chees, and naive dreams of seeing her face on the silver screen.

The children are going to skewer Your Mama for saying this but, here it goes anyway...Although the rose colored wallpaper is heinous, the parquet floors are tired, the built-in shelves bizarrely off-center, and the fireplace mantel far too diminutive for a room of this scale, there is–if you'll look closely–a kind of decorative sophistication to the large living room where all that rose colored, traditionally shaped and upholstered furniture is played against the Lucite and glass coffee tables. We know we're being uncharacteristically charitable, but once upon a time, before all the Los Angeles property flippers started trying to make every house look like a freaking Armani furniture showroom, this kind of mix and match day-core was considered to be quite chic. Or maybe all that gin has finally turned Your Mama's mind into baby food.

Anyhoo, the wood floored library has been painted a visually uncomfortable and not particularly dignified shade of royal blue and has large floor to ceiling windows, built in bookcases topped with a large, carved shell detail and an obscene beige colored leather sofa that, fortunately, will be removed once the property is sold. In the dining room, china cabinets with the same sea-shell detail as seen in the library flank sliding doors to the rear terrace. Sliding doors? For reals? Sliding doors? Like this is some sort of tract house in Bakersfield? Pleeze.

Anyhoo, the open plan kitchen, breakfast and family rooms have been done over and include white, glass fronted cabinets that rather disconcertingly do not reach the ceiling, sand colored granite counter tops, a beige tile floor, a mac-daddy Viking range that costs as much as a damn Kia and a large work island under a gigantic pyramid shaped skylight which we can only hope has some sort of UV deflecting coating lest Chef be fried up like a bug under a magnifying glass.

The house wraps around a courtyard where a long rectangular pool is surrounded by wide entertainment terraces perfect for cocktail parties, nood sunbathing and the riding of Big Wheels by any resident tots.

According to bits and pieces we read on the interweb, Mister Niven Jr. lives primarily in the UK. And to be honest puppies, given that bit of information, this Bird Street residence could very easily be occupied by someone other than Mister Niven Jr., someone like, say, Barbara Niven, otherwise known as ex-Mrs. Niven Jr. But we don't know because, truthfully children, Your Mama don't know nuthin' from nuthin.