Mischa Barton Gets in Some Real Estate Hot Water

Oh dear. Buckle up your safety belts children because, like it or not, we're going to discuss that poor Mischa Barton gurl. Ever since 2006, when the British born and American bred ack-tress ditched her wildly popular role on the now defunct teen drama The O.C. in order to become the bigger and shinier star she thought she should be, it ain't been nuthin' but bad choices and tabloid hysteria for the former child model.

First came her all too public and ill-fated love affairs with a string high profile man-boys like Brandon Davis, Cisco Adler–remember him!–and a couple other scruffy musician types. The downward spiral started in the spring of 2007 when the wee lassie was hospitalized for a few hours after an antibiotic she was taking reacted poorly with some liquor she was drinking, which is just idiotic because every damn body knows you can't be sucking up the booze when you're taking the medi-sine. In December of the same year Miss Barton was pulled over and arrested at 2 something in the a.m. on L.A.'s La Cienega Boo-lay-vard for driving while intoxicated and possessing some of the wacky weed. After being sprung from the pokey and before here trial–or arraignment or whatever you have for drunk driving–Miss Barton secretly went to a rehab facility. Atta girl!

Much to the chagrin and horror of body fascists and tabloid magazines everywhere, she gained some weight in 2008. By early 2009, she'd whittled her body down to the size of a tube of damn toothpaste. Come summer of 2009 Miss Barton was admitted to the psych ward at Cedars Sinai on a 5150–otherwise known as an involuntary psyciatric hold. After flying that coop she and her PR people claimed the event was triggered by a tooth extraction gone bad or some such nonsense. Pleeze gurl, who do you think you're foolin'? Not Your Mama. Shortly after her "tooth extraction" situation went to work as a pill popping supermodel on a program The Beautiful Life. Unfortunately for her, that show was ripped off the air faster than it takes to snort a fat line of the good Columbian stuff. Dear jeezis children, When Your Mama thinks of all the crappola that clutters up our cable, it's almost shocking to think that a show could be so bad it would be unceremoniously nixed after just two episodes. Two!

Regrettably, 2010 hasn't really started off to a much better start for Miss Barton. Just this week scads of reports surfaced about her recent guest appearance as a lollipop sucking, leopard coat clad hooker on one of the 47,000 Law & Order programs. Oh hunny, has it really come to that? According to scuttlebutting sources, Miss Barton flubbed her seven lines so terribly it took 10 hours to film her one scene. Oh my. Of course, her representatives say everything went wonderfully but honestly butter beans, we don't know how much of these reports about iMiss Barton's Law & Order appearance are true, but even if only half of it is true, it just makes Your Mama feel powerful sad. We're not sure why because we don't know Miss Barton nor are we emotionally invested in her success, but it still hurts our heart to see someone so young stumble and bumble in the public eye. Yes, it's fun to be snarky and poke fun, but it's also heartbreaking if you stop and think about it just a little bit.

Anyhoo, now word slips down the gossip grapevine that Miss Barton is being sued by a New York City landlord who claims she skipped out on the rent for a TriBeca loft she leased last year to the tune of $7,000 per month. The landlord says Miss Barton owes three months back rent (plus any associated late fees), on the Walker Street loft, a total that comes to $21,300.
Interestingly, thanks to the peeps at CityFile (via the fine folks at Curbed), it's come to light that the somewhat wonkily laid out loft (above) has been listed for lease with an asking price of $8,5000, a somewhat inexplicable $1,500 increase over what Miss Barton was supposed to pay. Even more interesting is that the rent rigamarole with Miss Barton hasn't stopped the landlord and his/her real estate people from marketing the 2 bedroom and 1 pooper apartment as a "luxury loft formerly occupied by an a-list celebrity." A-list? Oh. Uhm. Yeah. No.

When not in New York (allegedly) mucking up filming and (allegedly) skipping out on the rent for luxury lofts, Miss Barton beds down in a 7,607 square foot Mediterranean on a gated street just off Mulholland Drive above Beverly Hills. Records show Miss Barton bought the house in 2005, before she made the damn fool decision to leave The OC, the last (and only) really good tee-vee gig she's ever had. Records show Miss Barton forked over a whopping $6,400,000 for the 6 bedroom and 10 pooper mansion where, it's been reported, she lives with her rehab veteran sister Hania and their parents.

Your Mama just hopes that Miss Barton saved some of her earnings from The OC because it looks like she's not quite back in the tee-vee saddle yet.

floorplan: StreetEasy

David C. Bohnett Lists Modern Manse in the Holmby Hills

SELLER: David Bohnett
LOCATION: Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $18,900,000
SIZE: 5,721 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day, whilst waiting out the seemingly endless and torrential rains that have plagued California this last week, Your Mama combed through all the newest property listings in Los Angeles and several caught our easily distracted attentions. One of the properties that stopped us dead in our tracks is an art filled A. Quincy Jones designed house in the Holmby Hills recently listed with an asking price of $18,900,000. A quick peep and poke through public property records reveals the mid-century modern manse is owned by a gentleman named David C. Bohnett.

Now listen puppies, Your Mama realizes that Mister Bohnett isn't what most people might consider a household name. However, the entrepreneurial tech titan turned may-jer philanthropist co-founded GeoCities, an internet enterprise considered to have been a precurser to social networking sites like Facebook. In 1999 Mister Bohnett and his bizness partner sold GeoCities to Yahoo! for an astounding $3,570,000,000 making them both wildly and frighteningly rich. Mister Bohnett went on to get involved in other interweb ventures including NetZero, LowerMyBills, Xdrive, PlanetOut Inc. and OVGuide, a vast directory and search engine for online video including television programs, films, and video games.

Mister Bohnett is a well known and big, big, BIG giver. Through his eponymous foundation he supports a myriad of arts, education, and civic programs including the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence, The Wildlife Alliance, the ACLU, and Equality California. Additionally he sits on the boards of the Los Angeles Philharmonic Association and the California Community Foundation and serves as a trustee for high-profile organizations such as The Foundation for AIDS Research (amfAR) and Los Angeles County Museum of Art (LACMA).

Mister Bohnett and his longtime man friend–sharp, sassy and shiny suit wearing showbiz and socio-political pop culture commentator Tom Gregory–both collect heaps and hordes of artwork, from Winsor McCay drawings to contemporary pieces by folks like Keith Haring to archival Hollywood photographs that include a 1955 photo of Marilyn Monroe she signed for James Dean and a very rare portrait of the reclusive Greta Garbo.

Anyhoo, records show the Mister Bohnett picked up the first of the three-parcels that comprise his sprawling park-like estate–which Your Mama has been told he calls Baroda Park–back in April of 1998 when he shelled out $4,275,000 for the portion of the property that now contains little more besides meticulously maintained landscaping and the electronically controlled drive gates. He bought the property, which at the time included an 11-room residence, from activist/bigwig music manager Ken Kragen who, butter beans, is the man largely responsible for corralling an army of famous folks including Michael Jackson, Cindy Lauper, Lionel Richie, Paul Simon, Kenny Rogers, Tina Turner, Diana Ross and Kim Karnes, for the 1985 fund-raising song We Are the World. Quincy Jones and Lionel Richie are spearheading a new all-star version of the song to benefit earthquake vicitims in Haiti, but at this point Your Mama is unsure if Mister Kragen has any input into that. But we digress...

A year later, in March of 1999, records show Mister Bohnett paid $5,700,000 to purchase the property next door from a couple of gays–a dermatologist and an entertainment executive, if anyone cares–who bought the property five years earlier and spent a couple years and a lot of money on renovations and restorations.

Now, try to follow along children because it gets a wee bit perplexing here. As mentioned above, there is actually a third, adjacent and vacant piece of property on N. Carolwood Drive that is the final piece to Mister Bohnett's real estate puzzle in the Holmby Hills. The property was, it may entertain the troops to know, once owned by ol' Babs Streisand back in the 1980s and records show Mister Bohnett picked up the 2.1 acre property in February of 2000 for $6,750,000. It appears that at the time of purchase, the parcel contained a very large home that has since been razed and replaced with park-like grounds. Although it is most certainly contiguous and currently conjoined with the other two parcels, it does not appear that this section of the estate is included in the sale of Baroda Park. We could be totally wrong about that chickens, but the tax man records show that all together the three parcels span approximately 4.5 acres while listing information for Baroda Park indicates what is for sale encompasses only 2.46, which happens to be the exact sum of the size of the first two parcels. Are y'all still with Your Mama here?

After securing all three properties, Mister Bohnett tore down the house on the first and third properties, kept the mid-century modern, married the landscaping between them and installed a swooping, celebrity style drive way that gently curves and descends to a mammoth motor court with a checkerboard pattern and a front facing three car garage. It's a long damn walk from the motor court to the front door, which is approached along a canopied walkway simply constructed with a few steel I-beams and a corrugated metal roof and anchored on one side by stacked flagstone walls and columns and, on the other, the I-beams are planted in a very shallow pool of water.

Misters Bohnett and Gregory's A. Quincy Jones designed digs, built in 1954-5, were originally owned by two-time Oscar winning actor Gary Cooper who lived in the house until his death in 1961. According to the fine folks at Movieland Directory, troubled actor and sex addict Tom Sizemore lived in the house sometime in the 1990s but it does not appear to Your Mama that he ever owned it.

According to listing information, the portion of Misters Bohnett and Gregory's estate being sold encompasses 2.46 acres and the single story contemporary residence measures 5,721 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms including a master suite with a couple of vast walk-through closets, a home gym set up, of course, and two poopers, one of which, we're sorry to say, looks severely dated with all that brown veined marble.

The wide open interior spaces have high ceilings, terrazzo floors, and long linear lines with expansive white walls that give way to towering walls of floor to ceiling glass. To the right of the entrance, A raised and stacked stone fireplace warms one end of the main living space decorated with a couple of beige sofas that look to Your Mama like modified Florence Knoll numbers, a series of 27 perfectly hung black and white photographs, a trio of Eames walnut stools (that retail for $829.00 apiece at Design Within Reach), a glossy black baby grand, and an unusually placed Barcelona chair (that retails for around five grand at Design Within Reach). Sitting on the floor next to the fireplace, a multi-colored John Chamberlain sculpture that Your Mama would go to great lengths to have sitting next to the fireplace in our living room including allowing our neighbor-who is not a dentist–to pull all of our teeth out with a screwdriver and his dirty bare hands. The other end of the main living space has been furnished with more beige sofas, a couple of cozy looking olive green velvet chairs, a cornflower blue and white checkerboard wall–which we just can't help but hate–and a couple of built in cabinets where we like to imagine Misters Bohnett and Gregory keep their Scrabble games and Cribbage boards.

On the other side of the foyer an open plan kitchen and dining area spills out onto the terrace and swimming pool. The kitchen is well equipped with a pair of side by side Sub-Zeros, double ovens, two butler pantries, a large cook top on the back wall, and a work island where we can only hope the sink is flanked by a couple of high-end dishwashers because for eighteen and some million clams our imperious house gurl Svetlana would insist on two dishwashers, one for the glassware and one for everything else.

The sculpture strewn grounds includes lush rolling lawns, meandering pathways, low rock walls, several private terraces, a number of water features, a huge terrace that surrounds the swimming pool, and a modern, wisteria covered pergola has a couple of porch swings and hangs out over the small canyon at the back of the property.

Nearby neighbors include steak restaurant scion and Hard Rock Cafe co-founder Peter Morton who shacks up in a 13,243 square foot beast on Carolwood Drive, the fa-boo Connie Stevens over on Delfern Drive, Airline bigwig Gary Wilson, also on Delfern, Entertainment executive Bill Mechanic who lives in Burt Reynold's old house on Carolwood, and Emmy winning boob-toob star Kelsey Grammer and his high maintenance blondie Camille who bought their 7 bedroom and 9 pooper property in September of 2007 for $13,700,000 and flipped it back on the market where it remains listed at $18,900,000. Just around the corner is the opulent mansion where Michael Jackson met his mysterious and, apparently,mo Propofol induced end.

In addition to his Holmby Hills estate, Mister Bohnett's porcine property portfolio of private residences includes a behemoth spread on ritzy Roxbury Drive in Beverly Hills that records show he scooped up in August of 2004. The big, flat double lot estate stretches almost 2 acres and includes, according to property records, a 9,068 square foot mansion originally built in 1942 with 5 bedrooms and 10 poopers. Records Your Mama accessed don't show a purchase price but a pal of Your Mama's who runs in the same upper echelons of Los Angeles' hoity toity homosociety told us that Mister Bohnett forked over "around $19,000,000" for the triple lot estate and then, "put another ten into it. At least."

Our tattle tale also whispered that Misters Bohnett and Gregory refer to the Roxbury residence as their "city" house and their Baroda Drive digs as their "country" house. Isn't life sweet–or something–when you can have have two estates, each worth tens of millions of dollars, that are, the children will note, less than one mile apart. That would be walking distance if anyone actually bothered to walk in L.A.

Anyhoo, in addition to their "city" and "country" houses in Los Angeles, records show that Misters Bohnett and Gregory also maintain a condo on chi-chi Lake Shore Drive in Chicago, a New York City pied-a-terre at the Sherry Netherland building on Fifth Avenue–a building you have to be rich to even look at–and, natch, a gigantic house in the Hamptons located on the Lake Agawam side of 1st Neck Lane which records show they snatched up in September of 2005 for $12,000,000.

photos: Nick Springett

Glenn Close Lists Upper West Side Aerie

SELLER: Glenn Close
LOCATION: Central Park West, New York City, NY
PRICE: $11,800,000
SIZE: 2,000 square feet (approx.), 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning, after an intense storm that blew our out cable and internet service for most of the day yesterday, we're going to get back in the celebrity real estate saddle and piggy-back on a Jennifer Gould Keil's reveal in today's NY Post's Gimme Shelter column that award winning actress Glenn Close and her third huzbund, bio-tech entrepreneur David Shaw, have listed one of their New York City co-operative apartments with an eye-poppin' asking price of $11,800,000.

Miz Close, as anyone who has ever been to a movie thee-ayter or turned on a tee-vee knows, has an impressive entertainment resume about as long as Your Mama's gin bottle is tall. So rather than spend all day listing her many entertainment projects, suffice to summarize her achievements by simply saying that she's earned 3 Tony awards for hoofing it on Broadway, 5 Academy Award nominations–all of them in the 1980s and one of them, natch, for her chilling role as wild eyed bunny boiler Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction, 8 Golden Globe nominations and 2 G-G wins, and 8 Emmy nominations and 3 Emmy wins for her current leading role as ferocious attorney Patty Hewes on the FX channel's program Damages.

As stellar, enviable and lucrative as Miz Close's career on the boob-toob and silver screen may be, it's some of the more personal details of her rather extraordinary life that Your Mama finds most fassinatin: Miz Close's grandpappy Edward–a Greenwich, CT investment banker–was the first of cereal heiress Marjorie Merriweather Post's four huzbunds; Her father William was the personal physician and friend of brutal African dictator Mobuto Sésé Seko and later an accomplished reasearcher on the AIDS virus; And, after graduating from the exclusive Choate Rosemary Hall school, Miz Close criss-crossed the country with the conservative, culty and campy Up With People singing group.

True story: Back when we were just knee high to a bar stool at the Moose Lodge, Your Mama's momma had a (bad) habit of opening our home to whatever traveling group of youngsters might have been traveling through town. We had teenage baseball players with ugly acne and bad attitudes, 4-H kids in town for the county fair and, on more than on occasion, our momma hosted a few of those singing and dancing Up With People people who Your Mama remembers as some of the nicest, most polite and glassy eyed folks we have ever met. Wouldn't that be high-sterical if we dug up those old Polaroids and discovered that Miz Close slept on the floor of our living room and ate pancakes in our kitchen?

Anyhoo, property records show that Miz Close scooped up her 19th floor aerie at the super swank thre towered Emory Roth designed Beresford building on Central Park West in May of 2005. Records Your Mama accessed don't reveal a purchase price but it has been previously reported to have been around $6,000,000. The apartment is also widely rumored and reported to have been once owned by Rock Hudson who kept a stool in the pooper for bestie Elizabeth Taylor to stand on so that she could reach the bathroom sink of the 6'5" actor. Listing information shows that the 7 room apartment measures approximately 2,000 square feet and includes 2 bedrooms, 2.5 poopers and 2 dee-voon terraces that not only hang over Cental Park and the Planetarium at the Museum of Natural History but make Your Mama sweat with desire and envy.

Perhaps it's just real estate quibbling–particularly when discussing the rarefied property market of New York City–and even though the kitchen is exquisitely kitted with wood floors, custom Craftsman style cabinetry, a coffered ceiling and a drop-dead and die southern view of Manhattan, Your Mama just isn't sure that for eleven and some million clams we'd want to have to schlepp through the dining room/kitchen combo room and see our ol' grumpy house gurl Svetlana doing dishes or mopping the floor in order to get guests from the front entry to the living room.

Wonky floor plan moment(s) aside, the extraordinary and expansive corner living room has hardwood floors, a fireplace and a quartet of windows through which a stunning, multi-million dollar view encompasses every damn acre of Central Park. A small study just off the living room also has park views and Your Mama imagines that might be the perfect and convenient spot to stash our trusty lap top computer and, uhm, our stash. The decently sized master bedroom, somewhat unfortunately located directly off the dining room/kitchen, has a wall of custom fitted closets plus a windowed dressing room, a five-piece pooper with, thank jeezis, a window, and a small sitting area that opens to the smaller of the apartment's two terraces. Miz Close and her nice gay decorator have simply furnished the bedroom terrace with a pair of weathered teak rocking chairs where she and the Mister can sit quietly in their morning robes, watch the sun rise through the towers that line Fifth Avenue on the other side of Central Park, and contemplate their lucky, lucky, lucky real estate lives.

Behind the dining room/kitchen and just off the entrance foyer, a short hall leads to the second bedroom, a hall bathroom–with a window the children will note–a second study with a wee closet and built-ins and, at the end of the hall near the service entrance, a steep stair leads to a cell-sized staff room with an adjacent laundry room. This upstairs area does make for a nice spot to fold clothes but our gurl Svetlana would shoot a hole in our heads iffin we made her live in a bedroom smaller than our damn closet.

The larger of the two terraces measures 470-ish square feet–larger than most studio apartments in Manhattan–and can be accessed through the kitchen and the study at the back of the apartment. Like the smaller terrace, the larger one has been minimally outfitted with just a smattering of well-weathered teak patio furniture. Let's be honest butter beans, with a view like that, who wants or needs a lot of trees, plants, chaise lounges and other visual distractions? Well, okay, a chaise on which to lie at dusk and watch all the lights of the city flicker on as it gets dark would be heavenly and, probably, worth at least $2,000,000 bucks.

Other notable residents of The Beresford include Jerry Seinfeld who bought violinist Isaac Stern's duplex unit in late 1990s for just $4,350,000, Miramax's Bob Weinstein whose 5 bedroom, 7.5 pooper and two-terraced doo-plex is currently listed for a mind numbing $29,750,000, Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit who paid $17,850,000 for actor Tony Randall's 10-room spread back in 2007, Cosmopolitan magazine's ex-editrix Helen Gurley Brown who bought her 4-floor digs in 1976 from Tony, Oscar, Emmy and Grammy winning filmmaker Mike Nichols, tennis titan John McEnroe who owns a tower unit , Oscar nominated director Sidney Lumet, and fur designer Dennis Basso who regularly looks out his maisonette windows to see a small and angry mo b of animal rights protesters who take serious umbrage with his bizness.

In addition to the apartment at The Beresford and a teeny-tiny West Village condo on Charles Street that records show was purchased in July of 2005 for $1,950,000, Miz Close and her huzband Mister Shaw own several other residences along the eastern seaboard. Records show that Miz Close owns a 10+ acre country spread on the unfortunately named Succabone Road in Bedford Hills, NY as well as a 2,074 square foot house in a small gated community adjacent to the former Palm Beach Equestrian Country Club–now called Galipette–in horsey Wellington, FL that she picked up in September of 2004 for $530,000. Property records also reveal that part of Mister Shaw's real estate portfolio includes a 2.5 acre waterfront compound in the Prouts Neck area of Scarborough, ME

photos: Corcoran (interiors); Property Shark (exterior)

Senator Edward Kennedy's Kalorama Mansion Up For Grabs

SELLER: Victoria Kennedy
LOCATION: Washington, D.C.
PRICE: Your Mama don't know
SIZE: 8,996 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In honor of today's special election in Massachusetts, in which long-time, legendary and recently deceased Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy's seat is up for grabs, Your Mama thought it might be a good time to have a wee look-see at Le Grand Fromage's big house in Washington, D.C. that his widow Victoria recently hoisted on the market for an undisclosed–but somewhere Your Mama recalls reading that it's rumored to be listed for around $8,000,000. We can barely remember last night nor can we remember where we might have read that figure so don't none of you children go around quoting it like you know something because you, like Your Mama, just might be wrong about that eight million dollar number.

Mister Kennedy, often called the "liberal lion of the senate," lorded over his seat for a staggering 46 years. He died in August of 2009 after a battle with cancer. He was 77 years old. His passing on to meet the Great Majority Leader in the Sky left his long-held senate seat vacant. Your Mama will not get on our soap box or devolve into the nitty gritty details of the matter but should the once presumed Democrat shoe-in Martha Coakley lose today's special election to Republican state senator Scott Brown, the Republicans would have the crucial and lusted after 41st vote that would give them the power to filibuster and kill, kill, kill any remaining signs of life in President Obama's health care plan. Not that there was much life left in it anyway, but that's another story for another blog...

Anyhoo, moving on the the real estate matter at hand. Property records show that Mister Kennedy and his wife Vicki scooped up their colossal colonial and Tracey Place, NW in March of 1998 for $2,775,000. The stately and distinguished mansion sits smack dab in the center of the chi-chi Sheridan-Kalorama neighborhood, which is quite possibly the most affluent section of Washington, D.C.. Tracy Place ranks at the tippy top of real estate desirability in Washington, D.C.'s and as such several foreign governments including Portugal, Egypt and Guyana maintain embassies on the swank street, which means, of course, that security in the area is in-sane. If any of you people decide to get in your hoopdies and high-tail it over to Kalorama to have a peek at all the dignified architecture, Your Mama suggests you keep them tires rolling because just slowing down is likely to catch the eye of snipers in trees and sharp shooters on the roof. Okay, we don't really know if there are snipers and sharp shooters securing the situation on Tracy Place, but we would certainly not be surprised if that were the case.

Behind the perfectly symmetrical front facade that includes a columned portico and a fan light window over the front door, Mister and Missus Kennedy's manse includes, according to listing information, 6 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half poopers. The decorative tone of the bulky 8,996 square foot mansion is set in the grand entrance hall which includes an impressively high ceiling, intricate moldings, a lattice pattern marble floor and equally complicated, almost modern looking balusters. A few steps lead up to a gallery that runs like a spine through the center of the house and acts as the homes primary traffic conductor. Straight ahead, the large living room has wood floors, heaps of dentil molding, and one of the home's three fireplaces. The impressive–but too fussy for our particular taste–architectural details continue into the formal dining room where just about everyone who is anyone in Washington, D.C. probably ate and drank and hashed out public policy.

A sunny looking sun room with high ceilings, French doors and a ceiling fan that looks like it came from the Home Despot is right off the dining room and somewhere in there on the ground floor is Mister Kennedy's paneled library that is wrapped in built-in bookshelves filled with actual books. Your Mama does not care for the rather lackluster day-core in the library, which includes floral drapery, matchstick blinds, and a very government-issue looking periwinkle colored sofa, but we start to sweat like a hooker in church thinking about all the political shit that probably went down in that room.

The eat-in kitchen, which looks to Your Mama a week bit claustrophobic for an almost 9,000 square foot house, has wood floors, a large work island with a breakfast counter, a Sub-Zero fridge, a deeply disturbing floral valance thing above the windows behind the sink, and about 49,000 pot lights in the ceiling. A large stone terrace with intrusive looking white railings runs along the back of the house and over looks a wee patch o' grass. Other amenities, according to listing information, include a home gym set up with an indoor lap pool and, it has been reported, equipment chosen by California's Golden Globe attending governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The Widow Kennedy has reportedly already snatched up a new, more modestly sized home in the Kalorama neighborhood that records show she bought from socialite Charles "Chick" T. Cudlip for $1,650,000. Property records show the 3,150 square foot brick-built beauty on Wyoming Avenue was built in 1959 and includes 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms.

Records also show that Missus Kennedy owns a house on Nantucket Island that she bought way back in 1998 for just $270,000. We're sure there are any number of East Coasters who wish they could still buy a house on Nantucket for under three hundred thousand buckaroos.

The Kennedy clan are relative parvenus compared to the Van Rensselaers, Van Cortlands, Livingstons, and Schuylers as well as all those damn DuPonts, but in the 100 years or so that they've been a wildly rich and politically powerful they've acquired much of the taste and trappings of so-called "old money" families. These things include imposing houses filled with lots of oil paintings depicting bucolic landscapes dead people, closets full of wrinkled khaki pants, and family compounds in pricey seaside locations on the Eastern seaboard.

The Kennedys are among that set. Mister Teddy Kennedy–and his family–have long had a multi-parcel compound overlooking Nantucket Sound in Hyannis Port, MA where the clan has gathered for decades to play touch football on the back lawn and other such physical endeavors. As far as Your Mama knows, Mister and Missus have been using the big house, the one owned by his now-passed parents Joe and Rose, as their base at the compound. However, now that Mister Kennedy has passed, the fate of the 6-ish acre compound is up in the air. It's presumed and widely reported that the compound will likely become a museum of some sort.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE (Later Same Day): Thanks to a Boston Brahmin who blabbed to Your Mama, we've learned that Mister and Missus Kennedy's petite condo in Boston's Back Bay is not only on the market with an asking price of $1,050,000, but it's under contract for purchase after, according to the listing, only 21 days on the open market.

The full floor Marlborough Street condo is located in a lovely 5-unit brownstone building built in 1870 (above). Do they call them brownstones in Boston? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? The picayune pied a terre, presumably kept primarily so that Mister Kennedy could claim residency in Massachusetts, measures just 1,107 square feet and includes 1 bedroom, 1.5 poopers, 2 fireplaces and a study.

Renée and Bradley: Two Little Lovebirds...

BUYERS: Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper
LOCATION: Pacific Palisades, CA
PRICE: $4,700,000
SIZE: 3,335 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: There is a long list of ladees in Tinseltown who ride the cruel merry-go-round of romance and, the wee lassies, get nothing but dizzy and tossed off onto the hard black top of life. Among those famous gals unlucky in game of love are Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and, of course, the too sinewy former cheerleader and Oscar winner Renée Zellweger. Among her long list of high profile and erstwhile paramours (and hook ups) we have Jim Carrey, Matthew Perry, Jack White, Kenny Chesney–to whom she was married for about as long as it takes Your Mama to suck down a pitcher of gin & tonics, Luke Perry, John Krasinki, Paul McCartney, Andre Balazs, Dan Abrams and, since sometime in June of 2009, Bradley Cooper, currently one of Hollywood's hotsiest totsies.

Miss Zellweger burst into the unforgiving klieg light of fame opposite Tommy Crooz in the 1995 movie Jerry Maguire. The itty-bitty, squinty eyed actress has gone on to appear in a number of other films like Nurse Betty, Me, Myself & Irene, Chicago, Cinderella Man, and Cold Mountain, a fine film which earned her an Academy Award. However, for better or worse, she is perhaps best remembered for the Bridget Jones's Diary film franchise. Miss Zellweger packs pounds on the pounds for her role as the normal woman-sized Bridget Jones, which must freak the bejeezis out of the usually asparagus stalk thin actress. Lucky for her, her over-eating efforts have earned Miss Zellweger an Oscar nomination not to mention several super-sized pay checks.

Although Your Mama has only come to know Bradley Cooper's name and face recently, he's actually been around for quite some time and claims a long resume that includes multiple episodes on boob-toob programs such as Touching Evil, Jack & Bobby, Alias, Kitchen Confidential, and Nip/Tuck. Mister Cooper also appeared in films like All About Steve, He's Just Not That Into You, New York, I Love You, and the surprise hit of 2009, The Hangover. For his recent efforts he has become one of the hottest male properties in Hollywood with two films in the bag and at least 5 more in development. He is, perhaps, a George Clooney in the making, only without all the gay rumors...oh, wait...

Just months after first coupling up, the pair started tongues wagging and making real estate headlines in all the tabs and gossip glossies with their frequent house hunting excursions in the coastal communities of Los Angeles. Their search ended just a few days before Christmas 2009 when they closed on a contemporary residence in the Rustic Canyon area of the posh ocean side enclave of Pacific Palisades, CA. As far as Your Mama can tell, the 3,335 square foot house was never on the open market but property records show the the couple paid $4,700,000 for the house, which was built in 2002. Most reports say the a-list lovelies' new house has 4 bedrooms but according to the tax man there are three poopers and three bedrooms.

Listen butter beans, far be it from Your Mama to cast shade on anyone's love life. Relationships are hard enough without being in the glare of the spot light and having assholes like Your Mama giving out free and unsolicited criticism and advice. But let's get real for a moment. What kind of damn fool goes buying up multi-million dollar real estate with someone to whom they've been attached for only six months? Seriously. We're sorry to say, but this lovey-dovey let's move in together situation between Miss Zellweger and Mister Cooper has all the hallmarks of romantic catastrophe, especially when you consider poor Miss Zellweger and her rather dismal track record in the love department. To pilfer a phrase coined by our bff Fiona Trambeau–who is at this very minute working her Wow! Wear on a rickety stage in the rode hard and put away wet "ballroom" of some damn Best Western hotel in Godonlyknowswhere, North Carolina–this can only end in tears. We do hate to rain on Renée's relationship parade, but, gurl...pleeze...you really ought to have more sense than this. We believe your feelings are sincere , your love pangs real, and we're not saying the two of y'all aren't destined to grow old together. However a little caution and emotional objectivity here would probably go a long way towards staving off and possible future heart break and turmoil not to mention the hassle of having to sell a house you bought with your new man. Your Mama can only hope that this house in Pacific Palisades was, in actuality, purchased by just one of the two star crossed lovers and all this buying a house together stuff is just manufactured hoo-ha by the tabs and gossip glossies. Whatever the case, we understand that neither of the two impulsive lovers have yet to move in due to continuing renovations to the property.

Anyhoo, our presumptuous prophesies about the future of the pretty pair's relationship aside, let's move on and have a look-see at the long list of properties besides their new nest in Pacific Palisades the couple own.

In November of 2004, according to property records, Mister Cooper dumped $1,199,000 on a modest house in Venice, Calif. It's been widely reported–and confirmed to Your Mama by someone in the position to know–that Mister Cooper and Miss Zellweger have been shacking up in Mister Cooper's casa when they're in Los Angeles. According to the tax man, the east of Lincoln Boulevard property measures 1,421 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 2 poopers, one of which, it has been reported, Mister Cooper has turned over to Miss Zellweger who has filled it with "candles, perfumes, and make-up–even pajamas and an electric toothbrush." Why does that make Your Mama feel queasy?
Recent reports reveal that Mister Cooper also purchased a three floor loft townhouse–or five floor loft townhouse depending on how one counts–at the newly constructed Dogtown Station condo complex in Venice, CA. Marketing information for Dogtown Station shows the airy townhouse measures 2,198 square feet and includes such dee-lovely dee-lights as 18-foot ceilings, polished concrete floors, a gated subterranean garage for two cars, and a roof top terrace with all around views. The interiors are comprised of an open-plan area and utility pooper on the ground floor, a loft, a third floor "personal space" with a petite patio and a pooper with a party-sized shower and a stacked washer and dryer. It's unknown what Mister Cooper paid for the place, but according to previous reports, it was last listed at $1,250,000 and he plans to use the live/work loft townhouse as office space for his 22nd and Indiana production company. The children should keep in mind that the floor plan above is a sample plan and may or may not be representative of Mister Cooper's condo.

Miss Zellweger, who sometimes scoots around town in a convertible Mini Cooper–which the children have to admit is sort of funny because she scoots around on a mini cooper at home too–is a very wealthy woman and commensurate with her big bank accounts owns at least four personal residences. That, children, is in addition to the one in Pacific Palisades she allegedly purchased with her current man-friend.

According to property records and Celebrity Address Aerial, in February of 2000 Miss Zellweger bought a west coast abode located down a long gated driveway at the top of Nichols Canyon on celebrity lined Woodrow Wilson Drive. Records show she paid $1,875,000 for the 2,718 square foot residence, which she bought from musician Jakob Dylan. That would be Bob's son. A peep and a poke around the records shows that Miss Zellweger sold this 3 bedroom and 2 pooper property back in 2003 and bought a celebrity-style estate in Bel Air for which she reportedly forked over around $6,800,000. The high-hedged and gated 1930s mansion measures 6,410 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 5 poopers in the main house as well as additional bedrooms and terlits in the guest house, staff quarters and pool house. Miss Zellweger didn't hang her Jimmy Choos in Bel Air very long because, according to her, she didn't particularly care for paying a fat mortgage so that her pussy cat could have a home while she careened around the world making movies. Just over a year after buying the Bellagio Road residence, she flipped it back on the market, selling it for $7,000,000 to Will & Grace alum Debra Messing.

In March of 2003, just about the time she was unloading her big house in Bel Air, Miss Zellweger snatched herself up a house in the Hamptons, paying $2,150,000 for an antique farmhouse on Egypt Lane that always seems to be undergoing some sort of renovation. The near one acre property sits less than a mile from the old-school–and winter white–Maidstone Club. A funny story that circulates about the Maidstone–funny in an eye-popping sort of way and not a funny ha-ha sort of way–is that back in the early 1990s, when Maidstone member Arne Ness married Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross, he, she and they were made to feel so unwelcome that Mister Ness resigned his membership.

Anyhoo, the Maidstone Club has zilch to do with Miss Zellweger who, the following year, in November of 2004 scooped up a country house in Pomfret Center, CT, which sits due north on Interstate 395 from the New London ferry terminal that connects Connecticut to the east end of Long Island. Records show that Miss Zellweger, through a business entity set up to hold her real estate holdings, paid $1,320,000 for the 1.8 acre Cotton Road property that includes a residence and a big ol' barn.

In April of 2007, Miss Zellweger left her digs at 240 Central Park South and decamped to the Upper East Side where records show she paid $5,400,000 for two combined units in a turn of the century building on East 82nd Street at Madison Avenue. In July of 2008, Miss Zellweger spent another $2,800,000 for an adjacent apartment in the same building, bringing her total outlay for a Manhattan pied-a-terre–where she claims to do little but annoy her neighbors by hogging the laundry room–to a hefty $8,200,000.

It's hard to say which party is better for the other career at this point. Does the new hawt-cha-cha leading man help the not quite as successful as she used to be veteran actress or does the wildly successful, Oscar winning actress help the blossoming career of a comparative neophyte? Whichever might be the case, it doesn't hurt either of their careers that their oft in the news for the public canoodling and seemingly impulsive real estate transactions.

floor plan: Dogtown Station

Robert Downey, Jr. Gets Horsey in Malibu and Goes Modern in Venice

BUYER: Susan and Robert Downey, Jr.
LOCATION: Malibu, CA
PRICE: $13,443,800
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: From the moment Your Mama first recalls laying our eyeballs on Robert Downey, Jr., way back in 1987 when he staggered and heaved his way across the screen as Julian the junkie in Less Than Zero, the iconic and cinematic ode to a glittery and druggie 1980s Los Angeles, we were hooked on him. We can't help it. We can't even explain it. We like him, even if we haven't seen 87% of the many dozens of films and tee-vee programs in which he's appeared.

Mister Downey, Jr.'s traumas and troubles with drugs, guns and and other destructive demons have been extensively documented in all the tabs and gossip glossies over the years so there's really no need for Your Mama to discuss his many arrests, relapses, and rehab stays. What's far more interesting, really, is how the former Brat Packer has managed to repeatedly rise Phoenix-like from the hot mess of his life to receive an Emmy nomination (Ally McBeal), three Golden Globe nominations (Sherlock Holmes, Tropic Thunder, Chaplin), two Golden Globe awards (Ally McBeal, Short Cuts), and two Oscar nominations (Tropic Thunder and Chaplin). Your Mama only wishes our good friend Queen Victoria could figure out a way to get his damn act together like Mister Downey, Jr., but that's really another sad saga for another day and another blog.

Anyhoo, let's get back to the real matter at hand, which is the real estate. Back in July of 2009, Your Mama heard from Latwana Letsthecatoutofthebag who tattled and tittered in our big ear that the alleged closet conservative was humping around for a new and expensive crib in the Los Angeles area. Miz Letsthecatoutofthebag also told us that Mister Downey, Jr. had his eye on a Ray Kappe designed number in Brentwood that was listed for a bone chilling $13,950,000. But alas butter beans...that deal didn't, in the end, go down.

More recently, Your Mama received a missive on the topic of Mister Downey, Jr., from Malibu Marcy, a gal with her lavishly lacquered fingertips on the pulse of all things real estate in the star laden seaside enclave. Malibu Marcy snitched to Your Mama that Mister Downey, Jr. did indeed buy a new house and puppies it's a far cry from the massive modern in Brentwood he didn't buy. According to Malibu Marcy, Mister Downey, Jr. and his wife, film producer Susan (Levin) Downey (The Book of Eli, Sherlock Holmes, RocknRolla, House of Wax, and Gothika), went country and bought themselves a horsey hideaway in the foothills of Malee-boo.

Property records show that the three parcel and seven acre spread above Zuma Beach was purchased through a trust way back in September of 2009. Now chickens, we're not able to link Mister Downey, Jr. to this property through public records, which kind of makes this just rumor and gossip. However, we did manage to get a second confirmation from our wickedly well-informed informant Lucy Spillerguts who backed up Malibu Marcy's real estate snitchery. What records do reveal is that the equestrian equipped estate, which was once listed as high as $15,900,000, was purchased for the perplexing and complicated amount of $13,334,800.

Listing information we were able to tease out of the interweb indicates the two-story California ranch meets a wishes it was a European manor house was all did up and done over by a well-known ladee dee-ziner named Kelly Harmon with bleached oak floors, antique limestone fireplaces and lots of creamy-beige colored furniture. Miz Harmon, the children might be amused to know, not only hawked Tic-Tacs on tee-vee commercials for 20 years, she's also the seller of the property, actor Mark Harmon's sister, and the ex-wife of former automobile executive John DeLorean. For what it's worth, she and Mister DeLorean went kaput a decade before he was arrested, tried and declared innocent of drug trafficking charges in 1982.

The main house, which records show measures 3,538 square feet even though it looks much larger, contains 4 bedrooms and, according to listing information, there are another 2 bedrooms in a barn converted to a guesthouse. Altogether there are six poopers on the property, according to listing information, as well as a home gym set up where Mister Downey, Jr. can keep his 40-something year old pectorals pumped and ready any future sequels to the insanely successful Iron Man film franchise in which he stars.

The sprawling and gated property includes a picturesque, tree lined driveway, several riding rings, a number of fenced pastures with ocean views–lucky damn horses, and 12 rose-covered horse stalls. Your Mama does not care for horses or roses for that matter–we happen to think they both stink–but we're not sure we've ever seen more romantic looking stable facilities. Clearly Miss Harmon and, apparently, Mister and Missus Downey, Jr. believe in coddling their equine friends in the lap of luxury.

With a little leg up from the lovely Lucy Spillerguts and a wee bit 0' research on the interweb, Your Mama has discovered that at just about the same time Mister and Missus Downey purchased a pad for the ponies in Malee-boo, he and the Missus also scooped up a very contemporary 3-story live-work residence in arty-farty and somewhat gritty Venice, CA where Mister Downey has lived on and off since at least the 1990s when he reportedly lived in an apartment on the Boardwalk. Listing information we dug up reveals the super modern manse includes 3 bedrooms, 2.5 poopers, 2 private office spaces, 3 private garages, a Balthaup brand kitchen with sleek gray cabinetry, Brazilian slate and tile poopers, a living room with a built-in leather sofa and projection screen, and seamless glass doors that open to a sizable third floor terrace with built-in beds, fire pit, barbecue and an infinity edged swimming pool. Records show that although the property was listed as high as $7,995,000, Mister and Missus Downey snatched it up for $5,600,000. Interestingly the building was used to film the recent–and ridiculously tedious–reality tee-vee program Chef Academy.

Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter both wish Mister Downey, Jr. continued sobriety and success and we hope the Downey, Jr. clan settles smoothly into both of their new homes.

photos: Nick Springett

Help for Haiti

Despite our sometimes mean and snarky ways, Your Mama does have a heart and today it's aching for the people in Haiti. A list of organizations you can donate to can be found here.

You can also text "Haiti" to 90999 for an immediate $10 donation to the Red Cross that will be added to your mobile phone bill.