We Apologize...

...But Your Mama has a technological snafu on Friday afternoon and was unable to get it fixed until Sunday afternoon as we were in a no interweb zone for the weekend.

Olivia Newton John's New Xanadu

BUYER: Olivia Newton John and John Easterling
LOCATION: Lighthouse Drive, Jupiter, FL
SIZE: 5,500 square feet (approx.), 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: On blue water, no fixed bridges, just a few doors from the Jupiter Inlet, dockage, on over an acre of property, magnificent views of the Jupiter Lighthouse.

YYOUR MAMAS NOTES: Sometime in 2005 Olivia Newton John's man-friend Patrick McDermott went missing under suspicious circumstances. The poor dear was like a rowboat without an oar until she met and got Physical with herbal supplement pusher John Easterling who swept the Aussie icon off her feet and right out of Malee-boo to the swampy state of Florida.

In late 2007, long before decamping for the other coast, Miz Newton John listed her Malee-boo estate with an asking price of $14,000,000. There were no takers and eventually the priced was sliced and diced to $11,495,000. In December of 2008 the property was finally sold to for an undisclosed amount of money that we heard (but can not confirm) was in the ten million smackers range.

Shortly thereafter, in February of 2009, there was all sorts of scuttlebutt on the gossip glossies on on the tabloid talk programs about Miz Newton John and Mister Easterling backing out of a deal to purchase a $2,250,000 house in Tequesta, FL. There was talk of lawsuits and all sides claimed innocence, blah blah blah. That bit of legal brouhaha is, apparently, pending.

Then we started getting all sorts of email from fans of the newly married Miz Newton John wanting to know where she was and what she was buying and what kind of damn terlit paper she uses. Well children, as is often the case, we knew not a thing. That is, until today when we received a covert communique from a Flawreeduh Fannie who hooked us up with a recent article in something called the TC Palm (no link to the article that we could locate) which reported that Mizz Newton John and Mister Easterling finally found a house to buy after many months of searching high and low.

The house, according to the article and also according to the listing we managed to scare up on the interweb, sits on a 1-plus acre water front lot in the Jupiter Inlet Colony community. The light blue house measures approximately 5,500 square feet according to property records (and 7,000 square feet according to the TC Palm) and includes 4 bedroom and 4 bathrooms.

The house was last listed at $4,200,000 and the TC Palm people reported they couple are paying somewhere in the $4.1 million range. Information on the property is somewhat slim but we were able to glean from the listing and report that there is dockage for a boat or two, garaging for three automobiles, has a tin roof and is dog friendly. There are split bedrooms (whatever that means) including a master with a Roman tub (lahrd help us all) and at least one walk in closet. The living room is large with a vaulted wood beamed ceilings that rise a parapet like space with windows which we imagine help to suck out the hot sticky air in the summertime. The kitchen looks country with green cabinets, plate racks and granite counter tops.

Records show the seller is John Zuccarelli, the third term mayor of Tequesta or Jupiter or some other town around there, bought the property in June of 1995 for just $730,000, rebuilt it to be his Barbie dream house and sold it on at a large profit to Olivia Newton John for her new Xanadu.

Now that all you Olivia fans and super fans know that she's settling into Tequesta for the long haul, stop emailing Your Mama wanting to know about her whereabouts. And stay away from her new house too because I can promise you this ladee does not want some ignoramus standing outside her gates, ringing her bell, waving a frayed and glossy photo of her from Grease in the air and hoping for an damn autograph.

Now then. We're through. Through with talking about Miz Newton Johns real estate doings and through with the day because it's time to load up the big BMW and head out to Your Mama's daddy's ranch in the middle of Nowhere, CA for a weekend of gin and tonic drinking by the pool.

Hold on to your britches children...

...turns out Your Mama made a mistake and that house in Palos Verdes Estates that we shredded this morning belongs to some other Deepak Chopra and not the New Age Guru Deepak Chopra. So we took the stuff down. Interesting though because we found a number of sources the fingered the guru Chopra as being connected to the property, but alas...Shit happens.

Stay tuned for something new.

Your Mama...

...has a trio of afternoon tidbits we thought might be inneresting to the children. Remember pumpkins, these are just rumor and gossip. Got that? Rumor and gossip.

1.
According to the always helpful Babbling Babette, touring pop tartlet Britney Spears is (or recently was) negotiating an offer for her real estate white elephant located behind the guarded gates of the Summit community in Beverly Hills. Poor Miss Spears, who by court order no longer controls the strings to her own purse, bought the house in back January of 2007 when she was hanging around with some nefarious characters and acting all kinds of erratic and unstable.

Miss Britney must have had a bout of buyer's remorse because the property was hurled on to the market in September of 2008 at $7,900,00. After disappearing from and reappearing on the open market several times, it's now back on and priced at $6,499,000, far below what she paid. As far as we know, when Miss Britney is in LaLa Land, she and the Federtots shack up in a sprawling rented house in a double gated community in Calabasas.

Listen chickens, many offers for properties come to naught, so this one may not work out for the Miss Brit. But we sure hope so because the wee lamb needs to dump this scene of some of her more sordid and scandalicious moments, get on with her life and raise up them babies of hers.

2.
Put on your thinking caps kids and go back into the dark recesses of your minds to early September of 2008 when Your Mama passed along the real estate rumor that Cher, a senior citizen who has not entirely successfully attempted to Turn Back Time with plastic surgery, had gone into escrow on her lavish $45,000,000 Malee-boo beach house?

Back then every property purveyor up and down the Pacific Coast Highway was chattering about the big deal. But then, poof! the gossip grapevine went silent as a funeral. That is until the other day when it was snitched to Your Mama by someone in the position to know that La Cher did have an offer on the property in the $40,000,000 range but, for some reason, beehawtcha balked and the buyer walked.

In early May of 2009, after two-thirds of a year on the market, La Cher took the 6 bedroom and 7 terlit Italian Renaissance style villa off the open market.

3.
Although Your Mama has not been able to verify this with any of our more informed informants, we recently heard from an editor at a big gossip glossy that Jessica Simpson, whose career continues in a downward spiral, was fixin' to list her Beverly Hills (Post Office) property which she picked up in December of 2005 for $5,275,000.

Yes puppies, this is indeed the house that sits right up next door to bling queen Kimora Lee Simmons' real estate white elephant that she bought in August of 2007 for $5,900,000 and flipped back on the market nine months later with a much higher asking price of $7,750,000 and which has subsequently been sliced and diced to it's current asking price of $5,900,000.

We're not sure where Mister Editor got his 411, but it sorta makes sense that Miss Wannabe Mrs. Romo would sell of her pretty house in Bev Hlls since she seems to spend most of her time wherever her pigskin passing boy-beau Tony Romo is. We shall see puppies, we shall see.

Now then, Your Mama is going to say this one more time for any of those people who do not bother to read our words...these items are just rumor and gossip. Got it?

Jackass Johnny Knoxville Lists Dell Adjacent Digs

SELLER: Johnny Knoxville
LOCATION: Primrose Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,295,000
SIZE: 3,744 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Classic Med Villa in Beachwood Cyn w/panoramic city views. This walled & gated estate has been totally renovated w/exceptional elegance. The main house features 3 bd, 4.5 ba, living rm w/dramatic circular stairs, fp, gourmet kit w/custom cabinets, granite & ss appliances opening to media rm/fam rm + attached FULL guest apart w/1 bd, 1 ba, kit & liv rm. Terraced grounds offering 3 levels of entertaining, including infinity pl, pl house w/bar, outdoor fp & grass.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In August of 2008 Johnny "Jackass" Knoxville sold his house on Hollyridge Drive above Beachwood Canyon for $1,816,000. Of course, Your Mama don't know nuthin' from nuthin' but we presume that sale had something to do with Mister Jackass getting the dee-vorce from his long time Mrs. Jackass, fashion dee-ziner Melanie Cates.

Property records show that much prior to that sale, in March of 2005, Mister Jackass purchased another house, this one on Primrose Avenue in the Hollywood Dell area of Los Angeles, for $2,060,000.

Now then, firstly, we know some of you deranged neighborhood name police types are going to get all cross-eyed and red-faced and start hollering about how this house on Primrose Avenue is not in The Dell. We know. Your Mama is well aware that technically this house is not in The Dell. However, according to Hollywood Dell Civic Association, the eastern edge of this property is in fact the dividing line between The Dell and Beachwood Canyon. So it's practically in The Dell. It's Dell adjacent. Okaaay?

Secondly, property records would indicate that this house on Primrose Avenue, which has just arrived on the market with an asking price of $2,295,000, is actually owned not by Mister Jackass but by the ex-Mrs. Jackass.

Whatever the case, the three story Spanish casa measures 3,744 square feet and according to listing information includes 3 bedrooms and 4.5 poopers in the main section of the house and another bedroom and terlit in the separate guest unit which also has a living room and kitchen which is nice if you want to encourage your guests and in-laws to move in on your ass.

The children will note the generic quality of the interiors which consist of a truckload of upholstered white furniture and a few dozen lap blankets tossed willy-nilly around the house, both sure signs the place is staged. So let's not even get into how uncomfortable that horned llama statuette sitting on the living room floor behind the sofa makes Your Mama or how badly we want to squeeze that little orchid on the dining room table with our fat fist until it's pulp.

According to property records, the 3,744 square foot house was built in 1929 and includes a large living room with a high beamed ceiling, fireplace and a wall of windows that drags the eye out towards the panoramic view. Up a handicapped unfriendly steps is the dining room which is open to the large but somewhat awkwardly laid out kitchen with its dark wood cabinets and black bull-nosed granite counter tops.

Your Mama rather likes the master bedroom with the high ceilings and twin orb pendant chandeliers made of capiz shells. Also appealing is the row of sliding doors that open to a small terrace which is, thankfully shaded by an awning which helps with the blistering late afternoon southern California sunshine. We do like all that grey-veined marble in the master bathroom but we're not so pleased with the view of the roof from the bath tub and we absolutely loathe this bathroom trend of bowl like sinks.

For a steep hillside lot, the outdoor areas are both many and generously sized. A courtyard at the front leads to the ivy covered front facade. At the rear, several rooms open to awning shaded balconies and at the main level living room opens to a large terrace with glittery views of Tinseltown. At the lowest level a narrow Moroccan themed sitting room includes a pool bath and wet bar and opens to the flagstone pool deck where an outdoor fireplace makes for an perfect spot for making Smores. A circular spa hovers over the infinity edged swimming pool which cascades down to a large lower level entertainment terrace which in turn tumbles down to a long and narrow flat grass pad where a gurgling fountain is flanked by two shaded trellis areas. Listen chickens, all this outdoor space is truly delicious, partick in a hillside property, but Your Mama would have a damn heart attack getting up the 4 or 5 flights of stairs from the lawn area on the lowest terrace all the way up to the front door.

None the less and despite the high-grade Home Despot interior dee-zine, this is a good house and Your Mama predicts it will sell quickly. We would not bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly on it, but still, we predict.

It has been reported that after selling his house on Hollyridge Mister Jacksass and his then new gurly-pal moved just a couple doors down from the ex-Mrs. Jackass. Since we seldom know anything about ice water, Your Mama does not know if that is true or not. However, we have it on very good authority that ex-Mrs. Knoxville has fixed that proximity problem by decamping to a contemporary crib so high above Laurel Canyon it's practically in Studio City.

A Model House on the Market in Bev Hills

SELLER: Estella Warren
LOCATION: Cielo Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $1,950,000
SIZE: 2,247 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Secluded Regency style contemporary tucked away on a cul de sac. 3 bedrooms, 2.75 baths plus office/maids. Dark wood floors, French doors, updated kitchen and baths, sun drenched pool and wrap around garden.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: One day not too long ago Your Mama was yakking with gal pal Glinda the Good Witch who let it slip that celebrated synchronized swimmer turned scantily clad cat walker turned wannabe ack-tress Estella Warren is selling her Beverly Hills hideaway.

Well children, having been three sheets to the wind at the time Your Mama forgot all about it until last night when we were sipping on a pre-bedtime gin and tonic through a straw, perusing the newest Los Angeles listings and trying to settle our frayed and frazzled nerves from the psychically destabilizing experience of watching the dee-voonly trashy dramatics on the season finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Oh lawhd have mercy children, the astoundingly bad behavior of those plastic-bubbied beehawtchas manage to make ALL the other Housewives look downright dignified. And that, lambs, ain't easy to do.

Anyhoo, as she always is, Glinda was correct and large lipped Estella Warren (Planet of the Apes, Pucked and small spots on a slew of tee-vee shows) has indeed listed her her house high in the hills above Beverly with an asking price of $1,950,000.

Property records reveal that Miss Warren forked over $1,780,000 for the 2,247 square foot residence on Cielo Drive which is, of course, the very same street where the infamous Manson murders occurred. The blood soaked Polanski/Tate house has since been razed and replaced with Villa Bella, a gigantic faux-Flemish/quasi Mediterranean style mansion owned by Jeff Franklin who, among other boob-toob endeavors, made a mountain of moo-lah producing and writing the sitcom Full House. But we digress...

Miss Warren's single story "Regency style" residence sits at the tail end of a winding private drive, was built in 1959 and according to listing information includes three bedrooms plus a staff room which we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly is smaller than our damn walk-in closet. Listing information also indicates there are two and three-quarter poopers. Although we've gone over this about 14 million and two times before, Your Mama will once again school the children who do not already know that a three-quarter bathroom is one with a sink, terlit and stall shower...no bathtub.

Before y'all start tearing up Miss Warren's sense of decorative style, please note that his house has been staged for selling so it's quite unlikely that Miss Warren's house looked like this Pottery Barn catalog before Staging Ladee got her hands on it. The first clue that tipped Your Mama off that this house is staged to within an inch of its life is the white paint....white paint everywhere there can be paint. The second clue is all that snow white upholstered furniture with dark wood accents which we see in 80 or 90 percent of all the staged homes in LaLa Land. And the third clue, of course, is that stoopid lap blanket on the back of the sofa in the living room. Your Mama's decorating rule number 31 clearly states that real people do not, nor should they ever, sling a damn lap blanket over the back of sofa like that. Seriously, resist that urge.

The wood floors throughout the house have been stained a nice chocolate color and the open plan living area includes a step down living room with a bank of paned sliding doors that open to the rear terrace. It appears to Your mama that Staging Ladee intended for the dining area to be doing double duty as an office. Oh hell no. Unless you are so important that you can not be away from your damn email to take in a meal with your friends or family, you should keep the computers out of the dining room. The staff room or one of the secondary bedrooms would be a much better location for that contraption.

Listing information indicates the kitchen has been "updated" and if you call adding a brick red tile back splash, a few stainless steel appliances and a grey stain treatment to the cabinets updated, it is. We appreciate that some kitchen designer thought to add a work island to the small kitchen but it's a rather wacky location right up next to the paned sliding door and is visually awkward at best.

The Master suite includes a large bedroom with a wonky and ill-placed diamond shaped window and a paned slider that leads to the garden. The master bath appears to have been all did up with a new party sized shower with black glass tiles and one of those impractical and too-trendy rain shower heads. While no one loves a party sized shower more than Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter, we're a little disappointed that the glass enclosure does not reach the ceiling which means this is, unfortunately, not a steam shower.

The outdoor areas include some secluded gardens and a brick patio surrounds the swimming pool where Staging Ladee has used an batallian of white-cushioned chaise lounges that makes the back yard feel like a Marriott Hotel in Phoenix, Arizona. The hillside property looks out at the scrubby hillside on the other side of Benedict Canyon and towards the treeline that surround the smashing house sold by Red Hot Chile Pepper Anthony Kiedis sold in April of 2007 to producer/screenwriter Akiva Goldsman who won an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind and subsequently wrote the Pope provoking film The Da Vinci Code and its sequel Angels & Demons.

Your Mama has not a clue why Miss Warren has chosen to sell her house in this lackluster real estate market but maybe, just maybe, she's making a mint as Belle in an upcoming film version of Beauty and the Beast and will be moving up to bigger and better digs. We shall see.

Barry Manilow Unloading Malee-boo Beach House

SELLER: Barry Manilow
LOCATION: Malibu Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $10,600,000
SIZE: 3,546 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Prime Malibu Rd location on dry, sandy beach. Stunning Contemporary compound with large courtyard garden entry. Expansive coastline views north and south. Two-story living room with fireplace, floor to ceiling ocean view glass. Media/family room, master wing with fireplace and terrace. Separate guest house with kitchen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A week or two ago we received a covert communique from Malee-boo Barbee who tattled to Your Mama that music legend Barry Manilow listed his ocean front house in Malee-boo with an asking price of $10,900,000. A bit of research shows that the Malibu Road property has actually been on the market for more than four months already and was first listed at $12,600,000.

After getting the 411 from Malee-boo Barbee, Your Mama's big ears pricked right up because even though we can hardly bear to look at Mister Manilow with his frosted and spikey hair-don'ts, we have a soft spot in our cold and dark heart for the singer/songwriter/arranger/producer/conductor/American Idol guest artist.

See puppies, back when Your Mama was just an innocent (and thin) little lamb we would visit our high-lariously foul-mouthed Auntie Jennie who had this colossal console stereo in her living room that sat between two orange faux-velveteen swivel chairs. Come early evening, our Auntie Jennie and Your Mama's Momma would pile their hair up on their heads, strap on their high heels and head out to the Fern Bar leaving Your Mama, Sister Woman, Toddaroohoo and Cuzzin Lois with Teena the Teenage Baby-Sitter who would more often than not leave us home alone so that she could go out on a date with some muscle car driving stud with feathered hair and an impressive looking package in his painted on jeans. After all us scrappy kids gobbled up some Frosted Flakes for dinner, we'd fire up that console stereo, slide in an 8-track tape and do us some fierce karaoke performances to songs by 1970s icons like Wayne Newton, Helen Reddy and, natch, Mister Barry Manilow.

Whether y'all care for his music or not, Mister Manilow is a song singing superstar who howled out a string of hit songs like Mandy, I Write the Songs and Copacabana, all of which are on regular rotation on our iPod.

Anyhoo, we confess we weren't sure whether to believe Malee-boo Barbee's information, not because he has ever steered us in the wrong celebrity real estate direction but because while property records all point towards Mister Manilow and his long time manager (and oft alleged man-mate) Garry Kief, they do not actually show his name. We quickly got on the horn with a couple of Your Mama's impossibly well connected informants who both swore up and down that the property in question is indeed owned by Mister Barry Manilow.

Property records show the glassy, three-story contemporary crib was bought in August of 2002 for an undisclosed amount of money. However, with a leg up by Babbling Babette Your Mama was able to suss out that Mister Manilow paid $3,850,000 for the ocean front property which includes 4 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms in the ocean side main house and another bedroom in the street side guest house where we have to assume there is another terlit because we simply do not believe Mister Manilow would force his over-night guests to dash across the courtyard and into the main house just to take a late night dump.

The front facade of the walled, gated and secured property includes a stainless steel garage door and entry gate both which look very impressive and expensive but would surely drive our entirely too volatile house gurl Svetlana to hysterics trying to keep that shit shiny and finger print free.

The 3,546 square foot house is separated from the road by a quiet courtyard between the main and guest houses. A courtyard like this is crucial in a seaside house because when the wind gets a-blowin' it's murder on wig wearers and soft talkers. A glass and stainless steel front door that looks like the entrance to a damn Saks Fifth Avenue opens to a two-story, step-down living room with polished stone floors, a fireplace, a tall wall of windows looking out over the Pacific Ocean and French doors that open to ocean side terraces with undeniably spectacular sunset views. The house also includes, according to listing information, a media/family room, office, a kitchen with high-grade appliances and upstairs the master suite includes two-walk in closets, a fireplace, a big bathroom with spa tub and steam shower and a private glass paneled terrace hanging over rugged coastline.

Listing information does not currently include any photos of the interior but Nameless Nancy, who claims to have been up in Mister Manilow's Malee-boo pad, hissed to Your Mama that it's, "gold records everywhere like some tired queen's Palm Springs hideaway." Now kittens, we don't really know if Nancy's assessment of the day-core is accurate but since Mister Manilow is indeed a tired queen with highlighted hair and a slew of gold records who lives primarily in a sprawling hillside house in Palm Springs it is a believable, if dee-lishusly catty, description.

Now then, hold on to yer britches children because we're quite sure we're about to receive a mountain of hate mail from a well organized cabal of Miz Manilow's over-fervent fans who will read Your Mama the riot act and scream like banshees about how we should leave Mister Manilow alone because he is a great artist and loving man. However, before you freaky Fanilow people start sending us angry email and clogging up our comment box with your righteous indignation, please keep in mind that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter both love us some Mister Barry Manilow. We just think he needs a new beautician.